The Gift of Abstinence

Thank You HaShem, words just aren’t enough
There’s no way I could have done this without Your love
I came to meetings and listened to people share
Made outreach calls to women who care

They said “keep coming back – the gift will come”
Gave me hope and encouragement when I had none
I wanted to do it my way but finally had to admit
I needed to let go of controlling life as I wanted it

I heard people with serenity and I wanted that too
But I couldn’t understand why I had to leave the food
Why can’t I eat what I want and connect to HaShem?
But no matter how I tried, I couldn’t be like them

I wanted to meditate, to get up early and daven
To say Brachos over food, and not need to repeat them
To be patient and kind and present for my family
to stop fighting with myself over food constantly

But I still had self will, and I couldn’t let go
Still kept on thinking I needed to run the show
And then suddenly it came – I really don’t know how
HaShem gave me the willingness to start right now

42 days later – I can’t believe it’s true
Abstinence is a gift that can only come from You
Weighed and measured, my food is clean
Nothing in between – not one little bean

It sounded so restricting, so harsh and so strict
But this freedom from choice is truly a gift
No more “i can have a little now – lunch was quite small”
Or “I really need more, I wasn’t so full!”

I now know clearly when the food thoughts come
That really I need to connect to someone
I turn to HaShem and ask what I should do
Trying to fulfil His Ratzon as a good Jew

I try to meditate each and every day
On three healthy meals – Brachos I say
I’ve got a long way to go in my Avodas HaShem
But I’m so grateful each day that I can start again

No longer am I going to bed so full of self-hate
Scared to wake up and deal with my “fate”
Struggling and struggling with no peace in sight
This way gives me clarity – it really feels right

I daven for you all that you’ll get the gift too
And that I’ll hold on to the willingness to do what I have to do ...

With much love to you all in recovery,

FROM AN ANONYMOUS READER