Self Care vs. Self Indulgence

Many years ago there was a mother with 8 children who was struggling to raise her family in very difficult times. Day after day she worked hard to provide them with a minimal amount of food. She always gave food to her children before herself. Then one day she realized that she had only one egg to feed eight hungry children. After thinking about it she decided that if she split the egg into eight pieces, it wasn’t going to help anyone. She quietly cooked the egg, took it into her bedroom, locked the door, and ate the whole thing. One of the children knocked on the door, and asked, “What are you doing”. She answered, “Ich mach a Mama” (I’m making a mother).

Thank God, most of us have never had to face a dilema like this. Our society enjoys riches that even the wealthiest people of past generations could only dream about. But as mothers, we still face the dilemma of deciding when to put our own needs first.

My Own Step towards Self Care

Recently I took a step toward self care that felt like I was making as big a statement as this mother. As the Jewish Holidays approached, I wanted to make sure that I would stick to my structured eating plan. As part of OA, I eat 3 portions of protein a day. Each portion has to be weighed out before eating. As an observant Jew, I can not weigh my portion on the Holiday itself, so I have to prepare all of my food in advance. With so many holidays coming up, I decided to do something I have never done. I put several roasts in the oven at once. When they were done, I carved them up, weighed them into portions, and vacuum sealed them into bags. All for me.

Now, as I head into the holidays, I do not have to worry about running around at the last minute grabbing my scale and hoping that there is enough protein for me.

Am I taking away from my family by doing this? Of course not. Does it feel good. No. Was it the right thing to do? Absolutely.

I know that my structured eating plan is saving my life. I know that by ensuring that I can continue my eating plan even on the holidays, I am making sure that I do not lose the tremendous momentum that I have gained, and avoiding slip ups. But it feels terribly self indulgent.

We all know the image of the self sacrificing Jewish mother. Wanting to give everything to help her children advance in the world. But does this mean that we need to ignore our own needs? Of course not. So where do we draw the line between self care and self indulgence?

When do we have to put ourselves first.

In the safety instructions on an airplane, the stewardess always says that in case of an emergency, if the oxygen masks are released, all mothers should put their own mask on first before putting a mask on their children. The obvious reason being, that if we can’t breathe, we can’t help our children.

As I examined my thoughts about this dilemma, I remember something that Rebbetzin Tzipora Heller said about self care. A person who is killed from putting themselves into a place of danger is considered worse then a murderer. Why is this?

Because we do not own our own lives, they belong to Hashem.

The closer your access is to anything, the more your responsibility. If you visit your neighbor and find them sick from leaking gas, you have to save them. If you would walk away and leave them to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, you would be like a murderer. This does not mean that you have to walk from apartment to apartment looking for leaking gas, but you have to deal with a problem when it confronts you. This example illustrates the idea that since you have the most ability to save your own life, you have the most responsibility to save your own life.

This brings us back to the earlier question. Where do we make the distinction between self care and self indulgence?

I think that a lot has to do with our intentions and our motivation. If the mother in the story was eating the only egg because she didn’t want to share it with her children, because she was selfish, we might consider her self indulgent. If, on the other hand, she knew that if she didn’t have the strength to keep going, her children were going to suffer more, she was doing the right thing.